Small talk with gossipers would be making insignificant conversation with someone or a group who mostly likes to share tidbits about the people they know or hear about. This information is often slanderous and unnecessary to spread, and the small talk would be minute passings of the information. Small talk would be just filler conversation to have with the gossipers until something or someone else happens to change the situation.
The most important thing to keep in mind when making small talk with gossipers is that they do not value you as a person. They don’t value the secrets or personal business of the people they’re talking about, or they wouldn’t share it. If you must make small talk with gossipers, the best thing you can do is to change the subject to something that anyone can provide input about, such as sports and television, or to something about the gossiper’s own life. Because they do not value you, do not share personal information about yourself or anyone else.
This is a topic that is near and dear to the hearts of my readers, researchers, and website visitors. So much so that one of them were kind enough to share their own personal opinions. I don’t claim to be the best interviewer in the world, but I do promise some good, raw, and honest answers from normal people like you and me. I do my best to NOT filter these answers, except for the bad words and hateful speech.
With that little blurb out of the way, let’s dive right into the juicy bits of (potentially) life-changing insights.
Current Topic: Small Talk With Gossipers
‘R’ = Richard N. Stephenson (me!) ‘I’ = Interviewee (anonymous by request unless otherwise noted)
[This interview is inspired and fueled by research done for my book: Just Say Something! Use Small Talk To Succeed At Work, Empower Introverts, & Handle Annoying Coworkers.]
R: What are some of the biggest reasons you would ever look into this subject?
I: Since gossipers are often “in the know”, small talk can be a way to get them to reveal information that can be of value. Showing a gossiper that you care about what they have to say by way of small talk can also put you at the top of their list when they have some juicy gossip news. While a gossiper is often a nuisance to deal with, if they prove to be right more than they are wrong, spending some small talk time with them is well worth the effort.
R: Sometimes, I think this kind of stuff could really help people in life – what do you think?
I: Small talk with gossipers can alter an individuals life if the gossip concerns something that the individual was better off not knowing. For example, if a gossip told a man that his spouse was sleeping around, not knowing the individual they were talking to was the spouse, that might give the spouse some suspicion.
Likewise, the individual being gossiped about could be effected by untruthful gossip. for example, if a rumor goes around about an individual’s non-existent drug addiction, and that rumor reaches the individual’s boss, that individual may be subjected to a “random” drug test.
R: Could this topic help regular people like me and you be better at what we do?
I: Believe it or not, making small talk with gossipers can make you a better person. First, by listening to gossipers, you may pick up on what the morals are of the community are. You may hear the gossiper complain about something that someone did and realize that you do the same thing and that some people don’t view that thing in a positive way.
In the alternative, you may realize how overly nit-picky the gossiper is being and resolve not to nit-pick others like the gossiper has done. The trick to dealing with gossipers is to let the gossiper do the talking while not bad-mouthing others yourself.
R: Describe the perfect person that is a shining example of this topic, in your opinion.
I: The person who is good at small talk is one who can quickly engage in a conversation with personal friends, acquaintances, or strangers. They are able to quickly make the person they are talking to feel engaged and important. They give that person their sole attention for that limited time which makes the person feel special.
They are well versed enough on current topics to have a surface conversation with just about anyone. They are able to keep conversations at the surface level which keeps them from being “stuck” with one person or group for a long period of time. The last skill they have is the ability to disengage from a conversation without the other person(s) feeling they are being ditched. They have a definite closure to the conversation so they are leaving the person feel like they have had a real interaction.
R: If you had to pick who’s the worst at this subject, who would it be?
I: Someone who doesn’t know when to stop talking is horrible at small talk. There is an art to small talk and gossiping and we all know people who don’t realize when it’s time to listen, and stop talking. There are people who talk so much that they lose track of what they’re saying. When it comes to gossip, you have to realize when you’ve crossed over the line.
The person who is worst at this is the person who is a “know it all” and wants to tell anyone within earshot about his “knowledge,” when in fact he’s just talking to hear himself talk. It won’t take him long to say something controversial and what might have been plain gossip has turned into a debate. The best thing to do with this type of person is stay away because if he gossips to you, he’ll gossip about you.
R: Give us an example of what you do to make this topic a part of your daily duties.
I: I don’t avoid having small talk with the “gossipers” as this will frequently fuel their gossip. When the gossip attempts to ask me personal questions, I will provide a vague answer and turn the question back on them. For example, if they ask how work is going, I might say something like “Well, it is nothing compared to yours.
How are things going at (their job)?” This helps to refocus the conversation on them which most people love to do and takes the focus off of you. If I have encountered the gossip frequently, I try to prepare for the topics they usually ask about and have some pat but vague responses prepared.
R: How would you describe the best time to make this topic part of your life?
I: Making small talk and/or gossiping can be a beneficial step in creating relationships with people and getting to know them better. Some might even say that it’s a big part of making friends. However, there is certainly a time and place for these activities. Ideally, this should take place in a setting where you will not be overheard or distracting people at work.
If you are wanting to talk about someone with someone else, it would be best to do this in a setting where you feel like you have control, you are not rushed, and you can read someone’s body language to see if you are saying something offensive.
R: When is a time you feel this topic needs to be set aside or not even considered?
I: Small talk with a gossiper could be bad because if you are experiencing bad things like a divorce, or separation in your life, sharing them with the wrong person could bring even more embarrassment.
Gossipers can’t help themselves and even if they swear they won’t repeat something, they most likely inevitably will and there is no way to repair the damage. If the divorce is messy or there is potentially damaging information in a settlement that you don’t want to share with others than its better to keep it to yourself.
R: Is there at least one place you can think of that people should consider bringing this into their daily lives?
I: You can small talk with gossipers over lunch at a restaurant or at home.You can small talk with gossipers while working out at the gym or just outside walking in the park or track field.You can small talk with gossipers at the beauty salon.
R: There’s a time and a place for everything – what’s a place to NOT dive further into this topic?
I: Its not a good place to make small talk with gossipers in a place of working because it looks very poor among customers. Also I would never make small talk with gossipers in my classroom because I want people to think highly of me and I would feel bad if any classmates were offended by hearing our gossip.
Finally, I would never make small talk with gossipers in church, because church is a place of worship and that would be extremely rude to talk about someone in a place of God.
R: Who’s someone that could gain quite a bit from looking further into this topic?
I: I think shy antisocial introverts would benefit from learning how to engage in small talk with gossipers. Maybe if they were better at small talk with those who gossip they would be more outgoing and less antisocial. However, it could simply be a problem of lack of interest in the topic/gossip that leads to the antisocial tendencies.
R: If you could only give one piece of advice for this folks out there, what would it be?
I: When I come across someone who is using gossip, I listen to what they have to say. I asked them, how does this make you feel? The trick is to truly come across as you mean it. Normally this tossing the person off and they think about what they are saying.
I’ve come across a lot of people who have no clue what they are actually saying and the harm that can come from it when gossiping. By asking this question and making them put thought behind the gossip, they tend to realize they are being petty. I’ve even given them cause to help the person they are originally gossiping about.
Example: Jill has her skirt caught in her panties! Me: How does that make you feel. Gossiper: Ugh, what? Me: How does that make you feel? I would be totally horrified. Did you mention it to her? Gossiper: No Me: Dude, I would. You would be her hero. Gossiper tends to put the other persons shoes on and on occasion take action.
R: This topic has many sides… what are some sides folks out there should avoid?
I: I would avoid talking about personal happenings in my life, especially if I knew that person well. I would stick to broad topics, and would not divulge any information about myself or people close to me.
R: What’s the very next step someone should take to learn more about this topic?
I: To talk with gossipers you must gossip. To gossip you need to know at the very least the basic relationship structures of the people you surround yourself with. Once you get in to the gossiping group, you’re in, and then keeping up to date with who is dating who or who was fired last week will come very naturally.
Do not be the person who starts rumors, however, and remember that gossip can be harmless but try not to say anything about someone that you would want said about you.Or start hanging out with a high-gossip potential group. I’m thinking a high-school theater class (if you’re in high school).
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Thank you for reading this personal journey into becoming a better person and having a better future ahead of you. I hope you enjoyed this interview conversation and found golden nuggets you can immediately apply to your daily life.
If you’re interested in discovering how to use small talk to succeed at work, transform your introversion into a useful skill, and handle those annoying coworkers, then check out Just Say Something!.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, comments, or personal life-changing wisdom below.