98 Life Lessons Learned from a Dusty Old CD

I have this weird habit of putting big lists of things together in Excel spreadsheets. Okay, to be fair, this usually only happens when I’m on a boring telecom, need a break from some other task, or want to see how much stuff can flow out of my mind. But still – it happens.

Another weird thing about this funky habit of mine is I tend to keep these files forever. A bunch of old CD’s collect dust in one of those folding leather case things taking up closet space.

I decided to crack the case the other day and see what interesting things would pop out. I guess it’s like going through that old shoebox of nick-nacks you had as a kid – neat and nostalgic. Do people still use shoeboxes for stuff?

The Spreadsheet of DOOM!

I ran across a spreadsheet with the filename “Things I’ve Learned” dated almost a decade ago. Oh this has to be a gem, I’m thinking.

So I yank the thing off the CD and drop it on my desktop, eagerly waiting to see what’s inside and hoping Excel 2010 doesn’t throw a fit.

Oh boy. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some very useful lessons in the list. But oh my… I had some ideas that were a little wild, naive, and well a wee bit silly. But talk about a fun little gem-list to run across!

I hope you don’t mind, but I have to share it. Read it over light heartedly, please. This is from when I was in my early twenties, single, no kids, not a go-getter self-help dude, yet, and didn’t have any real direction in life. Check it out – it’s okay to smile for whatever reason you come up with. Thank you.

98 Life Lessons Learned

Ready to run through the list? Here goes…

1. Try to help those in need, if they desire help.
2. Some folks will always need another pair of shoes.  Accept it, and move on.
3. No one will share your same exact thoughts and mental processes.
4. Sometimes it is better to admit defeat.
5. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
6. Always let the aged and women into and off the elevator first.
7. Treat all women like sisters and mothers – respect and familial love.
8. Always open doors for the aged and women.
9. Always put on another pot of coffee if you get a cup when it is near empty.
10. Always listen to what your parents say.
11. Always consider your parents’ requests.
12. A flower is a perfect gift for no particular occasion at all.
13. Do not say “I love you” unless you truly mean it.
14. Always give your seat up for the aged and women.
15. Walk side-by-side people you are accompanying, if at all possible.
16. If in a relationship, do not put yourself into a temptation filled situation.
17. If in a relationship, tell your partner everything – they will eventually find out anyway.
18. The longer you wait to tell someone something, the longer you live with the weight.
19. When a woman wants to dance, you dance.
20. Always offer guests a drink and snack – including the cable installer.
21. Always put the toilet seat down.
22. Always flush the toilet after you are done with it.
23. Don’t microwave your food in plastic containers.
24. Use natural sugar over an artificial substitute, or look into natural alternatives.
25. Invested in a drinking water filtration system – small change for better health.
26. Tea Tree essential oil will dry up blisters/puss-ridden soars in less than a day.
27. Make sure your automobile oil filter is changed every time, regardless of who does it.
28. Do not buy any Mitsubishi vehicle based on the 4G63 engine. Ever. Seriously.
29. Do not buy any new model/first year model vehicle, regardless of make.
30. Boots never fit right the first 2 weeks.
31. Do not download illegal software/music – it is not worth it.
32. Never lie – the piper has to be paid sometime.
33. There is truth in most jokes.
34. Never trust a well-off person with extremely crooked teeth.
35. If someone is invading your sphere of comfort, let them know or they will continue.
36. Never park in a handicap parking spot unless you are medically recognized as handicapped.
37. No video game is more important than your loved ones and health.
38. If it isn’t broke, it probably will be when you can’t afford to fix it.
39. Do not marry someone unless you will be with them for life.
40. God love is always present.
41. Always say a morning prayer.
42. Always give thanks to the Lord.
43. Not every question has an answer you’ll like.
44. Not every person really wants to get to know you better.
45. Never buy $3 sunglasses – you’ll get your money’s worth.
46. Take the sun seriously – your skin protects much more important things than you realize.
47. Always cover your mouth when you yawn, cough, and sneeze.
48. Always say “God Bless You” when someone sneezes.
49. Never let anyone drive drunk or when very upset – results are similar.
50. A woman’s “yes” should be taken as “maybe.”
51. A woman’s “no” should be taken as “no.”
52. A woman’s “maybe” should be taken as “yes” when it comes to help & kindness.
53. Some people will be your friend for as long as they need you.
54. Never shake a woman’s hand with a firm grip.
55. Always shake a man’s hand with a firm grip.
56. For used car values, call the bank to see how much they will loan.
57. Stay away from Homeowner’s Associations – Civic Clubs are better.
58. You can lean a refrigerator on its side, but it needs to be vertical 24hrs before use again.
59. Tell you loved one she looks beautiful, never big or fat. Don’t lie, see the beauty.
60. Everyone has beauty whether you choose to see it or not.
61. Drinking too much alcohol is never a good thing.
62. Smoking cigarettes is never a good thing.
63. Doing illegal drugs or abusing prescription drugs is never a good thing.
64. Kids will never understand what “no” means if you keep saying “yes.”
65. You should help make your boss right – especially in meetings.
66. Sometimes you just have to do the work, whether it pleases you or not.
67. You should stand up for yourself in such a way as to be respectful to all parties.
68. When speaking of something someone did wrong, use the passive voice.
69. An elderly person never says anything useless – find the truths.
70. Unspoiled children and those with mental ‘retardation’ see the world through clean eyes.
71. The television is hardly ever correct.
72. Never strain your back too much – a little pain now will be a lot of pain later.
73. Do not start shaving unless you want to shave for the rest of your life.
74. If you’re married and shopping for furniture, buy a comfortable couch.
75. If newly married, plan on never seeing any of your decorations ever again.
76. Do not ever assume you know what a woman is thinking.
77. If a woman is unknowingly exposed, let her know in a private & respectful manner.
78. If a woman is purposefully exposed, ignore her.
79. No unprovoked fight is ever worth the win.
80. No pepper is too hot for the person that likes hot peppers.
81. Do not drive like a maniac.
82. Get your automobile tires changed as soon as they no longer hold ground.
83. Everyone washes a new car regularly for the first 2 months.
84. If possible, try not to kill living creatures – out of house is out of mind.
85. “I’m sorry” is so much easier to say than “Come back, please!”
86. No fellas, it’s never “her loss” – ever.
87. Treat a woman as if you want to get to know her personally and not sexually.
88. Chances are that if a woman has a guy friend, the guy likes or liked her in some non-plutonic way.
89. Brass won’t cause a spark if panged with or against other metals.
90. Learn to be a good listener – people can tell when you are just trying to survive.
91. Learn to be helpful and patient while shopping with anyone else.
92. Be able to put your foot down when absolutely necessary.
93. Do not lose sleep over the small things in life gone bad.
94. For every bit of trouble you overcome, God will reward you with at least twice as much good.
95. There is nothing wrong with asking for a triple scoop of Joy.
96. Never make fun of anyone’s accent or speaking ability.
97. If there is a big brown mole on someone’s face, chances are they already know it.
98. This list will probably be either irrelevant or embarrassing (or both) in a decade.

The List, It Ends Now!

Okay, okay. So I added the last one just yesterday. But I think it’s fitting and relevant. :)

That was fun. Pardon me while I have some more old CD’s to rummage through. Maybe I can find the secret to life or something. Or a killer gumbo recipe. Either way works.