Look out partners – there be troubled waters ahead! Nothing can be more stressful on a long distance relationship that having big fights, problems, or controversy come up while away from each other. It seems like these are the times when there are so many things that can and do go wrong that we often think the worst things are going to happen.
Something that comes up a lot during career development is the opportunity to relocate. A lot of times, this can be tough for couples and marriages. There is a wide range of tough situations that no one person could possible fully understand.
That’s why I’ve hit the pavement and decided to gather a ton of survey data about the most relevant long distance relationship advice I could find. I posted a survey to hundreds of people about what matters most, and need the most attention, in these situations.
Word of warning: these results have been looked over, but I kept in the raw and personal responses in order to give you the many perspectives of everyone who participated. Sure, some of them are obvious, some are a bit sad, but there are others that will be absolutely enlightening for your situation.
Below is part 3 of this 5 part series on boosting your ability to make a long distance relationship work.
If you’d like to read the rest of the posts, here are parts 1, 2, 4, & 5.
This is “Troubled Waters” part and it covers the following topics:
- Infidelity
- Conflicts
- Abuse and Violence
The format for these parts will be something like this: all parts are broken down into main subsection of the part at hand. Each subsection has a few questions inside. Each question has a large list of responses from the survey takers. That’s it! Now let’s jump right on in.
Troubled Waters: Infidelity
How to spot infidelity in a relationship?
- If she doesn’t respond to texts as quickly as she has.
- When she seems to be going out more often that she has before.
- When she makes up excuses about not being able to come see you.
- When she seems nervous when you come visit her.
- When she seems less enthusiastic to talk to you on the phone.
- The person is not consistent
- The person feels distant in the relationship
- They start to keep secrets
- They act different than they used too
- They are no longer intimate as they were once
How to escape a relationship when there is infidelity?
- First, it’s going to hurt. Surround yourself with someone who has gone though it so they can help you.
- Second, hire an attorney. Make sure whatever you’re doing is legal.
- Make sure there actually is infidelity. Talk it out and go from there.
- Annulment might be the best option. Marriage counseling is also out there and can help.
- Big rule: don’t try to get revenge and cheat on them. That is just going to hurt everyone involved more.
- Bluntly tell the person you are leaving
- Tell them that their behavior is unacceptable
- Go find other people to spend time with (not necessarily sleep with)
- Tell them they have to leave the relationship
- Go stay with another friend for a while
Troubled Waters: Conflicts
How to spot and deal with conflicts that matter?
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t make every wrong or disagreement an argument.
- Try to view if from both sides, don’t just be subjective.
- Be patient. It won’t do any good to scream and yell. Take a few breaths. Talk it out when you are less heated.
- You both want to resolve this. Don’t end it with being on the wrong side. Come together.
- A big one, leave it in the past. Don’t bring it up again to belittle the other person. If it was resolved or talked about before, keep it there.
- Lay down your guns on little things.
- Don’t talk badly about mutual friends or interests.
- Figure out what matters to both of you and focus on that.
- Be honest and communicate often.
- Don’t try too hard to force things.
How to escape a relationship when conflicts become a problem?
- Have a phone and friend handy if need be to escape by their means and have someone to confide in.
- If it is violent the police can intervene and help escort you. Sometimes even putting a restraining order can finalize sometimes.
- Leave when the person is gone if things are not going well while they are there. Sometimes “ducking out” can be helpful if this option is needed.
- Have a good friend or family member help you leave who would be good protection if things were to escalate and you needed to be around this person. There is power in numbers.
- Of course try to work it out, but if this fails living in a shelter or staying with family members is an option as well if you have nowhere else to stay. Try to have a backup plan and people who know what is going on in your life in case things were to go awry. Plan out “what-if” situations just in case your life may need protection. Always have a backup!
- Sit down and talk it over openly
- Fill your time with other activities and become less available
- Give a warning that you will end the relationship if things don’t change
- Say you need to end the relationship unless the other person agrees to counseling
- Leave a note or text message that you have to end the relationship and did not want to argue about it
Troubled Waters: Abuse and Violence
How to spot actual abuse and violence?
- If your see bruises or other forms of battery, that may a sign of abuse or violence.
- Observing one’s demeanor when they are interacting with someone can be a sign of abuse or violence.
- When a child acts out in ways that exhibit lewd or sexual behavior, that may be a sign of abuse.
- When someone is withdrawn, very quiet and is not taking care of their physical appearance, that may be a sign of some kind of abuse.
- When someone is missing teeth or has a lot of fractures, and broken bones, that may be a sign of violence and abuse.
- Get to know her friends in the area and have them keep you in the loop.
- “Hear” it in their voice.
- Go out and visit here and there.
- When visiting, look for bruising
- You eventually will just “know” if you are in a serious relationship
How to escape a relationship when in abuse and violence?
- Go to a women’s shelter and ask for help, they are there to help and protect you.
- Talk to your Preacher or a Counselor and ask for ways to end the relationship.
- Call the police and report the abuse and violence and be strong.
- Get in your vehicle and leave, leave everything, just go and get out.
- Talk to a friend that is close to you, maybe they can help you escape.
- Talk to friends and family
- Looks for social help for answers
- Leave the relationship and don’t go back to them
- Call the police if there is violence
- Move out of the abusive household
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So what do you think? How do these responses from the many survey takers relate to your situation, relationship, and career goals?