I was in my hardware store one slow Tuesday afternoon, mind you, and a fella walks in looking like he’d just wrestled a greased pig into a thorn bush. Turns out his wife had “borrowed” his good wrench to pry open a jar of pickles, and now it was missing a critical piece. He didn’t come for a new wrench; he came for me to fix her problem.
He said, and I quote, “Bojangles, if I can’t fix this for her, she’ll be upset. And if she’s upset, the whole house is upset. It’s just easier if I do it.” Now, that wrench? It was a symptom. The real trouble was he’d made himself the emotional and practical hub of his entire family home. He was a human crutch, and folks get mighty comfortable leaning on one until they forget how to stand on their own two feet.
Have you ever felt like you’re carrying your partner’s weight? Or maybe it’s the other way around, but that feeling – that constant need to fix, manage, or rescue – is exhausting. We call this “codependency,” and in our Catholic walk of life, we know there’s a better path forward.
So, let’s roll up our sleeves and talk about how to build healthy, faith-based bonds where we love one another without losing ourselves.
What in the World is Codependency? The Hardware Analogy
Think of codependency like a bad wiring job. You’ve got two lights, say. One’s your life, and the other’s your partner’s life. In a healthy setup, each light has its own switch. You can turn on your own without messing with theirs.
In a codependent relationship? Y’all wired ’em together to one switch. Your happiness gets flickered by their every mood swing. Their success feels like your victory. Their failure? That’s your personal disaster. When you try to turn off the “worry” light, it plummets them into darkness too.
This ain’t love; this is a tangle of wires that’s gonna cause a fire eventually. We get sucked in for good reasons – love, fear, duty – but the result is a relationship built on neediness instead of freedom, on control instead of trust. And as St. Augustine taught us, “Order is not a thing that can be given; it must be won.”
The Saints’ Toolkits: Wisdom from the Church
Our Holy Mother Church has been dealing with messy human hearts for two thousand years, and she’s got some wisdom to share.
St. Thérèse of Lisieux had it right when she spoke of her “Little Way” of doing small things with great love. She didn’t need grand gestures; she needed consistent, humble acts of service. Codependency often feels like grand gestures – sacrifices so big they drain you dry. A Catholic remedy is to find the little ways to love: a simple prayer for your spouse’s strength, a quiet moment of trusting God with their struggles instead of trying to micromanage them.
Consider St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus. He was a man of action and deep faith, but he knew when to step back and let God take the lead (like in that dream about fleeing to Egypt). He wasn’t the Savior; he was a protector. Sometimes our role isn’t to be the savior, but the steady hand that guides while trusting in Divine Providence.
Then there’s St. Paul himself, who wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you; for my power is made perfect in weakness.” This is the heart of it! We think our own strength – our fixing, our managing – is what’s needed. But God says, “Nope, your weakness is where I can show up and do something amazing. You don’t have to carry this all by yourself.”
Practical Steps: Fixing Your Own Wiring
So how do we rewire that relationship? It takes prayer, discernment, and some plain old-fashioned elbow grease.
Challenge #1: The One-Minute Discernment Drill.
Before you jump in to “fix” something your partner is struggling with, take one full minute. Set a timer! In that minute, ask yourself three questions:
1. Is this my problem to solve?
2. Will stepping in rob them of an opportunity to grow?
3. Have I offered up a silent prayer for God’s will here?
You’d be amazed how often the answer is “no,” and you can step back with a clear conscience.
Challenge #2: The Gratitude Journal.
Every night, write down three things your partner did for themselves today. Maybe they took a shower without being nagged. Maybe they went for a walk alone. Celebrate their small acts of independence! It trains your heart to see them as a whole person, not just a set of problems you need to manage.
Prayer is Non-Negotiable.
You can’t fix this with a wrench and a smile. You have to get on your knees.
Pray for yourself: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change about my partner, the courage to stop trying to control them, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Pray for your spouse: Not that they’d be less of a burden, but that God would bless them with strength, joy, and independence.
Pray together (when possible): Find ways to pray as a couple. A simple “Our Father” before bed or the “Hail Mary” when you’re both facing stress can realign your focus from each other to God.
Advanced Tools: When You Need More Than a Screwdriver
Sometimes, the wiring is so tangled that you need an electrician. Be brave enough to ask for help.
Catholic Counseling: Find a therapist who understands the Catholic perspective on marriage and family. They’re like a spiritual mechanic for your relationship.
Al-Anon or CoDA Groups: Codependency often grows in the soil of addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling). If that’s part of your story, these groups are lifelines. They teach you to set boundaries and practice self-care in ways you can’t imagine alone.
Building a House on Solid Rock
Codependency makes us feel indispensable, but it leaves us hollow inside. A healthy, faith-filled relationship, however, makes both of you stronger because you’re both rooted in God.
Your goal isn’t to be the center of your partner’s world; your goal is for Jesus Christ to be the center of their world – and yours.
So start small. Pray big. And remember that love isn’t about holding on tight enough to never let go. It’s about giving someone the freedom to fly, knowing they’ll always have a home and a hand to hold when they land back on solid ground.